


To Monty, From Holland, With Love

by HMS_Chill



Category: The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue Series - Mackenzi Lee
Genre: And Monty realizing he was an asshole, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But he's getting better, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Followed by Fluff, M/M, Percy Newton is a good boyfriend, Percy is an angel, Sort Of, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Which he was, but he's so much better now and I'm proud of him, i would die for him, monty is a mess, mostly comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-05-02 06:01:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19193161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HMS_Chill/pseuds/HMS_Chill
Summary: Before they left on tour, Percy wrote a letter.While cleaning their room in London, Monty finds it.





	To Monty, From Holland, With Love

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning:  
> \- Wanting to be dead (no worse than in the book but it's there)  
> \- Referenced ableism (again, not bad, but there)

It is truly a testament to how dirty our little room has gotten that I am the one to clean it. Doubly so because I do so without any prompting. It's not that I normally won't clean, I'm simply not as bothered by mess as Percy is. Normally, he'll say something or just tidy up a bit himself, but a fit earlier this week has left him scrambling to keep his job and interrupted both our schedules. 

Meaning I'm home alone for long enough to notice how cluttered the space has gotten and with just enough motivation to clean it. 

As I'm moving Percy's fiddle case from under the bed, it hits the wall and pops open. One latch has been bad ever since he saved our lives with it, and apparently the other has decided to follow its lead. I manage to catch the instrument before it hits the floor, but resin, extra strings, the bow, and a small packet of papers cascade out of the case. When I pick them up, my name is written on the papers. 

I shouldn't.

These are Percy's, even if they do bear my name, and even if they are infuriatingly mysterious. 

I'll just take a quick peek. 

There are three pieces of paper total, covered in Percy's handwriting, though it's often crossed out or written over. These are apparently drafts of some sort, though I have yet to get the final versions.

" ~~Dear Monty~~  
~~My Dear Monty, Darling,~~  
~~Darling,~~  
~~My Dearest, Monty~~ ,  
Dear Monty,

~~I'm not sure how to~~  
~~I'm not going~~  
~~When I go to Holland, it's not~~

This is the hardest letter I've ever had to write. By the time you read it, I'll be sailing for Holland, and I need you to not do anything ~~crazy~~ ~~you would normally do~~ foolish. I'm not going to law school. I am going to ~~an asylum~~ a hospital, and I'm not sure I'll be able to come back.

Please, Monty, don't do anything stupid ~~like trying to chase me or fighting my aunt and uncle or anything that will set your father off. I couldn't bear it if you were hurt on my behalf, especially not for something that will ultimately be pointless~~. I've tried to think of anything I can do to change this, but there's nothing. My family won't have me anymore, and your father would never tolerate me. 

~~Even if he might, I can't ask you to ask him. It would get you hurt, and I would probably end up lashing out at him the moment he hurt you, and then we would both be in trouble~~. And the truth of it is, I'm sick. I have epilepsy, which means that I get fits of unconsciousness and often have to spend a day or two in bed after them. If I try to run away, I'll be alone, and I don't think I can manage this on my own. So with no one to run away with and nowhere to go if I did, this ~~asylum~~ hospital in Holland is my only option.

~~Monty I'm so scared. I'm absolutely terrified. I don't want to go to Holland or an institution or any of it, but there's not another option. I don't want to leave you and England and everything I've ever known. I don't want to go somewhere I don't speak the language and can't have any say in anything that's done to me. I want to stay in England with you, or maybe ask you to run away with me, but I can't. I can't let this hurt you or us. It's already hurt so many people, and if you knew and started to treat me differently because of it, I would truly go mad. I need you to still be you.~~

I'm sorry I didn't say anything. I've known since just before you left Eaton, but you've needed a friend to look after you, and I've wanted so badly to be that friend. This is something I live with, and it doesn't bother me (other than the bit where it is so terribly hard to run away). I've learned to make peace with it, and I suppose by the time you read this I'll have made peace with Holland as well. I've become rather good at making peace with life's unpleasantries. 

We're about to embark on our Tour. I wanted to write some semblance of this letter before we go, because I don't know how much time I'll have apart from you while on tour or how soon I'll have to leave when we return. I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

There's something else I need to tell you, too, though I'm not sure how, and I know that a farewell letter is the worst place for a confession like this. But Monty, I love you. I have loved you for as long as I can remember, ~~and I know that this is the worst time to tell you that. Please don't do anything that will make your father angry~~. I know this is going to be hard for you, and I'm sorry to make it harder, but I need you to know how lovable you are.

Monty, you are so incredibly, wonderfully lovable. No matter what happens or what anyone tells you, I need to you know that I am absolutely smitten with you, and I have been for years, and if I can love you this much then maybe you can believe that your father is wrong about you. I wish I could be there to tell you how much I love you, and remind you every day. I wish I could be there to look after every bruise and to help every part of your life. You would do the same for me. 

~~You may be an arse occasionally, but you are the most loyal arse I have ever met.~~ You are stubborn, yes, but you use that stubbornness to fight for the things and the people that you love. You are brave enough to stand up for what you believe is right, even if you don't fully understand the issue, ~~which is usually more endearing than it is annoying~~. You have been my other half for as long as I can remember, and I can't imagine my life without you. If you were with me, I would gladly leave everything else behind. Even my fiddle.

I know this is hard, but you've got to make it. Steady on, darling. If they find something to stop my fits and I get to come home, I want you there to welcome me. Don't give up, and don't be dead. ~~Please, Monty, for the love of everything don't be dead. If I have to get the news that you're dead while I'm trapped in an asylum in Holland, I don't know what I'll do. I think maybe I really will go mad, because the only thing worse than being apart from you would be losing you entirely. I know this is hard and I know I should have told you sooner, but please, don't be dead.~~ I wrote you a list of reasons not to be dead (longer than usual), so look at that when you're upset and please, please, Monty, don't be dead. 

I'm sorry, Monty.

~~I love you, Darling.~~

Yours, Percy"

If I give myself time to process that letter, I may never get to the next, so I ignore the feelings threatening to overwhelm me and unfold the next piece of paper. This one has less writing, and even fewer scribbles. It's written on the back of the bill from our inn in Venice.

"Monty, Darling,

I'm leaving early tomorrow morning, probably before you're awake and certainly before anyone has sailed for the island. You'll find the key with this letter; it is yours to do with as you please. Just know I won't kill a woman because you can't accept that I am still myself, even if I'm sick.

I'm sorry we fought. I'm sorry to leave immediately after a fight. I'm sorry we never talked about this, my epilepsy or our feelings or anything, until it was too late. I'm sorry I have to go, and I'm sorry you won't come with me. I'm sorry I can't tell you this in person. I'm sorry for a lot of things. 

I'll write you (via your father, I assume) when I can. I'm hoping Scipio and his men will take me on, at least for a bit, for my entertainment value and my uncle's favor if nothing else. We'll see. When I carve out a space for myself in this world, I'll write, and perhaps you can find an excuse to visit it. I'd like that a lot.

I love you Monty, I do. I wish it could have worked for us. Maybe someday, once I've"

The letter ends abruptly. I want to believe he was interrupted, though it seems just as likely he realized I was a lost cause and simply gave up. 

There is one last piece of paper, and as I've come this far, it seems a waste to not open that as well. It's a list.

"Reasons for Monty Not to be Dead:  
1\. I need someone to write while I'm in Holland, or I will truly go mad with the awfulness of it all.  
2\. While I'm in Holland, someone in England has to hate Richard Peele for the both of us. Hate him a little extra for me.  
3\. There are so many unkissed people and unplayed games in this world, and it would be a shame if you left it without fixing that.  
4\. Someone has to keep you father's parties interesting, and I have a feeling that you are the perfect person for the job.  
5\. If I make it home, everything will be wrong if you're not there. England without you would be the worst place in the entire world."

Of course I only make it through five reasons, the length of every list Percy's ever given me, before the door opens. The room is so small that he sees me immediately, and I have no time to hide the letters or to compose myself. That, and I turn the wrong way to greet him thanks to my missing ear, leaving the evidence of my snooping in full view. 

"Hello, Darling. Tell me the bed is free; I'm ready to-- what are those?"

I swipe at my eyes, hoping to hide the tears that appeared there, and mutter, "I was cleaning, and I--"

"You, cleaning? Allow me to write the devil; they must be expecting snow down in Hell."

"Very funny. The mess was upsetting you; of course I cleaned. Well. Started to clean. I got distracted. Your fiddle case opened and these fell out, and they had my name on them, so I..."

"You... you weren't supposed to see those."

"You were going to leave. After our fight in Venice, you were just going to go."

"Monty, it's been a very long day. I'm sore all over, I'm exhausted, and I want nothing more than to fall into bed and cuddle you until next year. Can we please talk about this later?"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I never listened to you or asked what you needed or wanted. I'm sorry I was a rubbish friend for so long. You didn't tell me for two bloody years and I was too selfish to ask why you were always ill. I'm sorry--"

"Monty, Darling, I forgive you."

My eyes are trained on the letters, so I don't realize he's joined me on the floor until he cups my bad side with one hand, his thumbs brushing the scars on my jaw. I don't realize I've started crying again until his other hand comes up to wipe a tear off my cheek. I let out a little chuckle as he wipes it on my shirt.

"Thanks, Perce."

"Of course. Now, let's put these back, and--"

"Wait, can I... can I keep this one?"

It's the list of reasons for me not to be dead. I haven't read all of them yet, and they're likely all wonderful. And though I don't want to admit it, sometimes I still need lists like this, even now that things are better than they've ever been. 

"Alright," Percy says, smiling at me. "You keep that one. We'll hang it somewhere so you can see it all the time if you'd like. But let's put the others away, and then I need to sleep for as long as possible, and you look like you need to do the same. Cleaning can wait for another day."

**Author's Note:**

> What do you know! I finished a thing!
> 
> I'm starting to draft a longer piece where the tour goes according to plan and Percy goes to an asylum (and then has to be rescued, dramatically and with pirates), so if that would be something you're interested in please let me know. Especially if you have sources for research, because ya girl is struggling to find stuff on mental hospitals in the 18th century.
> 
> I did very little research for this piece, so if anything is wrong please let me know! 
> 
> Any feedback is appreciated. Comments will often inspire a writing binge, and kudos make me happy.
> 
> As always, I'm [HMS-Chill](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/hms-chill) on tumblr for fic stuff and [Hschill5](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/hschill5) for anything else! If you wanna leave a comment/kudos/whatever either here or over on tumblr, I'd love that! Cheers!


End file.
